


right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again.

by transgendergerard



Category: American Girl Dolls - All Media Types, American Girls: Kit - Various Authors
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/F, Kit grows up to be a trans guy, i will die on this hill, trans! Kit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25956274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transgendergerard/pseuds/transgendergerard
Summary: Kit has always felt different from everyone else, and never figured out why. Until Kit ran into a friend in class and found out that friend has the same secret that Kit has. That friend inspires Kit to tell her secret to Ruthie. Would Ruthie still want to be friends with Kit after Kit tells Ruthie her secret?
Relationships: Kit Kittredge/Ruthie Smithens
Kudos: 7





	right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, Everyone! First fic in a new fandom!!! Well, not a new fandom to me... just a new fanfic fandom. I've been into AG since I was a kid, and growing up Kit was my look a like doll. But now that I'm trans one of the boy dolls is my look a like doll. But Kit still means a lot to me and I've been reading about other people's headcanons they have for the girls when they grow up, and I decided to bring it upon myself to do the same thing for Kit... and I wrote a 3k long coming out fic. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: This fic is based in the year 1942. To keep things historically accurate, I used labels/slurs for LGBT people that many LGBT people do not like today. If those labels/slurs trigger you or upset you, please do not read this fic! 
> 
> Background: Kit and Ruthie are studying at the University of Connecticut. They are both sophomores. Kit is studying Journalism and Ruthie is studying Theatre Studies. Charlie and Sterling have been drafted into WW2. Somewhere in England, like Molly's dad. 
> 
> Title: Betty by Taylor Swift. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter or IG: billiecoward send me prompts!!!

Kit has been done with classes for a while now. Since she got out of her last class a few hours ago she has done some homework, wrote letters to Charlie and Stirling, and thought about how Ruthie would react to her secret. Kit has kept this secret of hers a secret for years. Maybe for her entire life, honestly. This secret has been building up inside of her and for the past year, it has reached its boiling point. Kit was going to explode if she didn’t tell someone her secret sooner rather than later. Kit was going to explode if she didn’t tell someone that she feels more like a boy than the girl she is supposed to be. She knows that it’s wrong that she feels this way, but she can’t help it. She truly can’t. 

Kit has always been seen as a tomboy, ever since she was little. She was “one of the boys” at school. Did everything the boys at school did, even if she was a girl and even if she was the only girl doing them. She still wore dresses from time to time, but she mainly wore shirts and skirts, and at night dreams of the day where she gets to wear pants every day. When she was younger, when Charlie was gone all day for work, she would go to his room and study the clothes he had in his closet. If no one was around, she would bring some of his old clothes to the bathroom and put them up against herself in front of the mirror, to see how she would look like if she dressed like her brother. If she looked like him if she wore his clothes from his younger years. No one caught her while she did that, and thus no one knows that that was something she did as a kid. One of the many signs of her being different. One of the many signs of her being one of them. All of those signs adding up to her being Kit Kittredge, a boy, not a girl. 

Kit had always felt different from everyone else. She felt different from the boys at school, even if she was grouped with them most of the time. And she for sure felt different from the girls. Even from Ruthie. Her best friend, and for the past few years, her secret girlfriend. Ruthie has always been a girl. She looked like one, she acted like one, and she blended in with the other girls at school and was one of them. Kit wasn’t one of them. For years Kit thought she was just different from the people she went to school with, and that when she went to college she would find a group of friends who got her and would be more like her. She has been at college for a couple of years now, and while she has a good group of friends, she still feels like she doesn’t fit in, and will never fit in. But at college, she has found a friend who is different like she is, and has helped her understand why she will never fit in with anyone, no matter how much she tries. 

It wasn’t hard for Kit to figure out that she is a homosexual. She always had feelings for Ruthie when she should have had feelings for Stirling. But even after she figured out her sexuality, she still felt confused about who she was. She felt lost in her own body. Her own body didn’t feel like her body. Ever since she started college she has done research, trying to figure out why she feels this way, and if there is anything she can do to make herself feel better. She was about to find the answer to her problem on her own until one day she ran into one of her friends who is a girl on the way to class. Kit took a step back when she was walking to class. She did that because her friend looked like a boy. Kit knew her friend wasn’t in theatre so Kit didn’t understand why she was dressing like a boy. Kit made sure to ask her friend about her new fashion choices right after class was over. 

“Alright, class, make sure to study for the upcoming test. It’s on Friday, so make sure to come in on Friday, even if you want to have a 3 day weekend.” Kit’s professor said as everyone was packing up their stuff and heading out the door.

Kit had packed her stuff up but waited to leave class. She got up and left when her friend did. 

“Hey, Anna. I love your new outfit! I would love to be able to wear something like it, actually.” Kit tells Anna. 

“Oh, thanks. My older brother got married over the summer and I got some of his old clothes when we were packing up his room.” Anna explained. 

“That’s cool. I have some of my brother’s old clothes too, but I’ve never worn them.” Kit says as they walked out of the building. 

“Really? How come? To tell you a secret, I’ve always thought I was supposed to be my brother and not me. I know that sounds crazy, but I’ve always been more of a boy than a girl. And over the summer I decided to actually be a boy instead of a girl.” Anna told Kit. 

They’ve walked to the yard that’s in front of the academic buildings. Anna had a picnic blanket in her backpack and put it on the lawn. 

“Wait, so you just decided you’re a boy, even though you were born a girl and the doctors told your parents you are a girl?” Kit asked, with a look of amazement instead of confusing or disgusted. 

“I mean, I didn’t decide I was boy, I just knew I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body. I know all of this sounds crazy. But it’s how I feel.” Anna said. 

“No, that makes sense. Even if it makes you different.” Kit said to try to make her friend feel better. 

“Thanks, Kit. You know, You are the first person I’ve told my secret to. I haven’t even told my family yet.” Anna said to Kit, looking at the grass and not at Kit. 

“Oh, wow, I’m honored that you told me first.” Kit said. 

It was quite for a few minutes before Kit asked Anna a question. 

“So, Anna, do you think you will ever actually live as a boy? Are you ever going to go by a boy’s name and not Anna?” Kit asked. 

“Um, I hope so, but I don’t know. I mean, you know how people treat homosexuals and other queers. I assume they would treat me the same if I started living as a boy today.” Anna said with a sad face. 

“Yeah, I understand that. I hope you get to be a boy when you grow up. Even though we are technically already grown-ups now.” Kit says. 

“Thanks. Also, I haven’t picked out a new name yet. I know I want it to be a family name, but I’m not sure which family name I want to pick. So I’m just going to take my time, because names are permanent.” Anna explains. 

“That makes sense. Honestly, I feel the same way as you do. I’ve even thought about what boy name I would give myself. I think I would give myself my own name because i’m already named after family and I don’t like those names. But maybe it’s because they are girl names and not boy names.” 

“Oh, wow. Thanks for telling me that, Kit. How long have you felt that way?” Anna asks. 

“Probably ever since I was a kid. I’m actually a homosexual, and I figured that out when I was in middle school. But I’ve felt like a boy longer than I have felt like a homosexual.” Kit tells Anna. 

“Ah. And you’ve never told anyone about this?” Anna asks. 

Kit shakes her head no. 

“I think you should, Kit. I have always seen you as someone who is brave and is always yourself. But now I know you’ve been acting like a version of you that everyone else wants to see, and not a version of Kit that Kit wants to see.” Anna says. 

Kit didn’t know what to say to that. Kit assumed she would always keep her feelings to herself and just live out her life as the girl she was supposed to be, even if she wasn’t happy about it. But now after she talked to Anna, Kit has realized that maybe when she grows up she grows up to be a boy too. 

Kit and Anna become close friends after that. Anna changed her name and uses her new name, and even pronouns, with her friends, and plans to tell her parents her, his, secret when he goes home for Thanksgiving break. Anna is now going by the name Thomas, which is the name of one of her uncles. Kit has never thought of one particular name seriously. Now she has. 

Thomas has given Kit some of the research he has done over the years. He has done more medical research than Kit. Apparently, people who feel the same way as Kit, as Thomas, are transsexuals. While the name is similar to homosexuals, the label is for people who feel like they are the opposite gender. There are even medical ways to become a boy. Even if they are 

hard and probably really expensive, they are there. Kit can look like a boy one day. And for once in Kit’s life, Kit feels good about her future. 

Kit has still kept her secret to herself. Thomas had called Kit brave, but Kit knows she isn’t as brave as Thomas, who is already living as a boy in some parts of his life. Kit is too much of a scary cat to tell people. And Kit feels like she has to have her own solid foundation before living her life as a boy in case things go terribly wrong. She can never be too safe. Kit’s after college plans includes more than just becoming a famous journalist. Now her after college plans includes living and becoming a boy. Kit knows plans have to start somewhere. Even if the first step happens way before the second and then third step. The first step of becoming a boy is to tell someone that Kit feels like a boy. And so that is why Kit is in her dorm room, anxiously waiting for Ruthie to come back from class. 

Kit was looking at her outlines for next week’s student newspaper when Ruthie walked into their shared dorm room. Ruthie dropped her backpack onto her desk chair. Kit is glad that Ruthie can’t see her face right now because Kit looks like she has seen a ghost. Kit knows that Ruthie won’t hate Kit after she tells her her secret, but they will have to end their relationship whenever Kit decides to live like a boy. Ruthie only likes girls. Kit doesn’t want to make Ruthie stay when she doesn’t want to stay. 

“Hey, Kit, how was classes today?” Ruthie asks as she got her books out of her bag. 

“They were fine. My literature professor has assigned us a last-minute essay that’s due on Friday.” Kit says quietly. 

“Darn, that sucks. Let me know if you need help.” Ruthie says. 

Ruthie went to her bed and started doing her homework. Kit has never told someone a secret this big before. How are you supposed to tell someone a big secret? There isn’t a how to guide or anything. You just have to tell them at some point. Kit was about to speak up when Ruthie asked what was wrong. 

“Kit, is anything wrong? You look worried.” Ruthie says, looking up from her school books. 

“There isn’t actually anything wrong per say, I just, uh, have something to tell you, and I don’t know how you will react to it.” Kit says. 

“Well, then tell me. I’m not sure how I will react if you don’t tell me.” Ruthie says. 

Kit takes a deep breath. She jumps out of her bed and goes down to look under her bed. She grabs a box of clothes that she keeps under there, a box of Charlie’s old clothes, the same old clothes that she pretended to wear as a kid. 

“What’s that?” Ruthie asks. 

“Just some old clothes… Some of Charlie’s old clothes.” Kit explains. 

Kit sets cross-legged in front of the old box that is setting in the middle of their dorm room. Ruthie does the same thing. 

“Why do you have Charlie’s old clothes?” Ruthie asks. 

Kit takes another deep breath.

“It’s because I want to wear them someday, and I hope to be like Charlie someday.” Kit finally says. 

“You want to be like Charlie someday? You mean, you want to be a soldier someday?” Ruthie asks, with a look of confusion on her face. 

“No, I don’t want to be a soldier someday, Ruthie. I, I want to be a boy one day.” Kit says. 

It’s quiet for a few moments after that. Kit is terrified, more than terrified actually. Then Ruthie finally decides to speak up. 

“But you’re a girl. At least, doctors said you were a girl. How can you be a boy when you have a girl’s body?” Ruthie asks. 

“I just feel like one. It’s really hard to explain. But I’m not the only one who feels like this. I have a friend in one of my classes who feels like this too and he gave me a bunch of medical research and someone who is supposed to be a girl can actually turn into a boy because of certain medicines and surgeries.” Kit explains. 

“Really? I didn’t know you could do that. So, you’re not just a tomboy, You are an actual boy, then?” Ruthie asks. 

Kit nods her head yes. 

“Since when?” 

“Ever since I was little. But I didn’t know this until recently. Or, I didn’t have the words for this until recently.” Kit says. 

“Ah, okay.” 

“Are you mad at me? Do you still want to be my friend? Even when I start to live like a boy?” Kit asks. 

“I’m not mad at you. It’s just going to be hard for me to process this. You’ve had more time than me to learn and understand and accept this part of you, and I just learned about this part of you just now. Of course, I’m still going to be your friend, Kit. I’m not going to stop being your friend even if you’re no longer a girl. I became your friend because I wanted to be Kit’s friend. Not because I just wanted another girl best friend.” Ruthie says with a smile, Kit smiles too. 

“Well, uh, that’s good then. But you do know, when I start living as a boy, I’m not sure when that will happen of course, but when it does, We can’t be together anymore. Since you only like girls and I won’t be a girl anymore.” Kit says. 

“Well, technically you’ve been a boy all this time right? So maybe I haven’t only like girls all this time.” Ruthie says. 

“Ruthie, don’t change yourself just for me. I wouldn’t want you to do that.” Kit says. 

“I’m not changing just because of you, Kit. I’ll be changing just like how you will be changing. If you have been a boy all this time then I’ve liked a boy all this time, so that means I like boys too, even if you’re the only boy I’ll ever like.” Ruthie explains. 

“Oh, I haven’t had thought of that.” Kit says. 

“I don’t care what your gender is, I only care about if you’re Kit. And you’ll always be Kit, so I’ll always like you.” 

Kit smiles at that. 

“When I’m a boy I won’t be using the name Kit. I’ll be using a different name.” 

“Well, what I said will still stand, new boy names and all. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Kit.” Ruthie says. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Kit sighs. 

“Have you thought of a new name yet?” Ruthie asks. 

“I have thought of a bunch of names, but I haven’t found out I like yet. There aren’t a lot of good boy names that start with a K.” kit explains. 

“I can help you find one. You know writers will go to great lengths to find unique names for their stories.” Ruthie says. 

“True.” Kit says. 

After that Kit shows Ruthie all of Charlie’s old clothes that she has kept all this time. She even tries some of the shirts on. It felt really really nice to finally be Kit, even just a little bit. Even if who Kit is actually a different version of herself enterally, Kit knows that she still has people who care about her because she is her. Not because she is a girl or anything silly like that. Kit finally understands it is okay to be herself, whatever that means, and whatever that looks like. Kit knows that to be yourself means that you have to do things that make you happy, not to make others happy. You have to live as a version of yourself that is the same version of yourself that is you inside, the version of yourself that you can only feel. Others might have a hard time understanding Kit because they don’t know what it feels like to be in her body, but that is okay. She still has Ruthie by her side. She doesn’t care about what others think about her, she only cares about what Ruthie thinks about her, and Ruthie still likes her and wants to be her friend, and to Kit, that is enough.


End file.
